my story

my journey started in 2017. I had my first baby, my healthy son Beck in June 2021. It was four years of pain, loss, medicine, doctors, drugs, needles, waiting, and growth. my most rewarding years in the hardest way. I had never felt more isolated but also realized who was actually there for me. I had never grown as much as I have these past 4 years and now that I am on the other side I can say I would do it all again and I am so thankful for it all. Here is my brief story in hopes of you or someone you know seeking answers for their own TTC (”trying to conceive”) journey.

I have tried it all. This entire process started with a phone call after a regular routine OB visit saying I was pregnant. We were 27 and we were not trying. I was shocked. I was nervous but so excited as I knew I wanted to be a mother one day. I shortly started bleeding after that call and I confirmed my first miscarriage. Then after almost 9 months of trying naturally again I realized I needed to see someone. My cycles were irregular and long. My OB started me on 6 rounds of clomid.. I got pregnant again twice but neither were “a good pregnancy” and experienced my second and third miscarriage on clomid. I was truly what I thought at the time was my lowest …I gave it all a break.

I am skimming through my emotional position at the time because it is all too painful and personal so I am sticking to the facts because …grief sucks. I still have trauma around it all. It is THE WORST. & miscarriage is truly the hardest thing I have had to grieve because I felt like I could not talk about it. I felt I had to put a brave face on and carry through because no one really knew. I had started my business and was busier than ever before. I had client meetings the day I lost my second pregnancy. I went to them, I got the job done and then I would cry a long cry in the shower after. Anyways, moving on. You learn how strong you are when life gets hard.

So…I took a break. I needed a break. I was mentally and physically exhausted. We took some time to ourselves, worked HARD to build my business, planned some fun trips, lived our lives, etc. I was still heartbroken but little by little I picked up the pieces and grew. Little did I know what was left in store for me…

About a year later I had outgrown my OB …I moved on to Nashville Fertility. I did IUI once. It didn’t work and I truly hated the inefficiency. I wanted a fast track to success having been in this game for three years …so I did IVF. I was so terrified but also so hopeful this would be my answer. I had an unbelievable round of IVF that my doctors called “record breaking”. I was incredibly thankful for my 44 eggs retrieved but also this was the first time I questioned all of it. All of my doctors telling me I was infertile or challenged in the baby making/ keeping area. How could a girl who had 44 eggs retrieved (average retrieved is 15) made 15 embryos (average made is 7) be having this many issues getting and staying pregnant? …when that little voice enters your head - there is a reason. DIG.

I didn't dig. I had my first IVF embryo transferred in march of 2020. my genetically perfect male embryo didn’t survive to make it to the first trimester and I miscarried a fourth time on Easter weekend. I was gutted, confused and quite frankly ANGRY. ALL OF THIS should have worked. We were at the dead end I never thought I would get to. We started interviewing surrogates after this loss and also at the height of the pandemic so many of our meetings or interviews were via tele-health. Events and travel were all canceled so I no longer could work my way through / escape loss. I had to face it head on and holy shit these were my hardest days. I thought I would never have a child. I was so lonely and so sad. I did not recognize myself. But now looking back …man …did I grow up.

SO… I started digging. I reached out to an endocrine doctor who specialized the 2% “unexplained infertility” …He ordered an amazing amount of tests on me which I did. The last test result I received back was my answer / the only thing that could possibly explain my reason for not keeping a pregnancy. Urea Plasma. I did an article on Motherly this time last year here if you have questions about it in general. But to give you the fast track: it causes inflammation just like endometriosis (but not endometriosis). I am not a doctor but I do trust them. Once we got this test result back, I treated it and then transferred another one of my beautiful embryos I had a healthy baby boy nine months later with no complications.

The test was a simple, painless $50 cervical swab I could have asked my regular OB to perform on me. Then 10 days of taking the same antibiotic that treats strep throat…if 27 year old me knew this she would have asked her doctor to order this test on me years ago. If only I knew. If only. But I went through it, I survived, I grew & we have our miracle baby.

I hope this brings hope and possibly answers to some of you reading. I have since told multiple people in my inner circle, on social media, etc. and one success story is actually a friend of mine who experienced a loss after doing IVF…she insisted to be tested for the urea plasma and it came back positive. She treated it and the next time she tried another embryo she had a healthy pregnancy and has a baby girl now.

Infertility is a club I never signed up to be in BUT we owe it to others to unite through the circumstances and spread awareness where we can. We are stronger together. Warriors really.

XOXO,

Molly

TOP TIPS FOR TTC:

-advocate for yourself always. for example I was told I have pcos …okay maybe I do but also did you know it is only treated by giving you an ovulation medicine that triggers you to ovulate (protect those eggs and research this first!) I kept miscarrying because of urea plasma which I did not even know about until 4 years and 4 losses later. I wish I educated myself more…which is why I am writing all of this now.

-research everything

-take care of yourself first. This all can be extremely mentally exhausting. make sure you are being cared for.

-lean in on your people. HARD. and get rid of those who do you wrong.

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE TTC:

-”when will yall have kids?”…NO. NO. NO. STOP. SAYING. THIS. it’s cruel and invasive. we should be past this question. And this also applies for secondary infertility ….Just because they have 1 doesn’t mean it is easy for #2. Stay in your lane!

-”it’ll take you no time to get pregnant”…HOW DO YOU KNOW KAREN? you do not know. some may not even want to get pregnant. stay in your lane always.

-”I remember I would sneeze and get pregnant” or “we didn’t even try and im due in ___” — there is nothing harder than someone who wants a baby so badly to be interacting with someone so obvlivious to the hardships of getting pregnant. If you are blessed enough to not have struggled maybe keep it to yourself. empathy is a beautiful thing.

-”I don’t want to get pregnant this month because I don’t want to be due in ____” - once again, amazing plans Karen but girls in the trenches would take a baby any day, time, holiday of the week. So while it is amazing you have a grasp of a calendar maybe keep this to yourself because it isn’t so easy for others to be as predictable.

so thankful for my friend Kristin Sweeting to come over and shoot these maternity photos I would have never done if she didn’t say “you are doing them”.